April 27, 2010

what i'm not or maybe who i am.....

~kathy~me~elena~mary beth~
~~
i love paint. the colors. the texture. even the mess it makes. but it doesn't like me. it never really has. so i'm done. i'm done being in a one sided relationship where the emotional ups and downs have finally taken a toll on me.
~~
don't get me wrong. valley ridge and mary beth shaw were wonderful and meeting and spending the weekend with elena filled my weekend perfectly. but i finally learned that doing something that doesn't love me in return is painful. that doing something that i'm not passionate about leaves me feeling empty. and most importantly, i have learned that doing something that doesn't satisfy my heart, hurts.
~~
i'm 45 years old
and
finally
i'm taking a deep breath
and
letting my shoulders gracefully fall back to the natural state where they belong
and
my mind
feels as if it's finally looking down one railroad track with a waiting destination
instead
of
being in the train station
where it's been running around for years wondering
which ticket to buy
which train to get on
who to follow
and
where to get off
~~
yesterday, after a weekend of classroom time, i needed air and space. so my lover and i took off for "my pond" where the sandhill cranes are nesting
and
the first baby ducks of the season have been born.
and
it is there
that my heart is always happy
and
filled like a balloon on the brink of bursting
~~
being with my camera is the love affair that feels right. where there's no pain or emotional upsets or wasted time or energy
and
the passion
between the two of us
well let's just say that sometimes it's so steamy
that i feel like we're characters in a romance novel with a half dressed man on the front cover
*
so after 4 years of painting classes, my paints and my apron are being tucked away in a nice little drawer where maybe they'll come out to play if i have a journal page refusing to cooperate unless it can get a bit messy, but that's it.
it's time to finally let some chapters in the book of my life, that never really made any sense in the first place, dry up and fade away.
now excuse me
but my train
finally the right train heading in the right direction
is boarding passengers and
i need to take my seat
*




39 comments:

  1. Dearest Beth, again I want to say thank you for such a wonderful weekend. It was unlike me to meet and stay with 'a stranger' but something I'm so glad I did. I believe I have found a wonderful friend. And I watched you in class. Even though your creations were beautiful-you looked frustrated & uneasy. Probably what the evil step sisters looked like as they tried to squeeze into cinderella's slipper. Wrong fit. But the second day I saw you pick up the camera and take pics of the class, the brushes, the little boy and WHAM it was like a transformation. You were glowing and fluttering about like butterflies in a garden. I'm so so so thrilled you found your fit. There's no question you are multi-talented as portrayed in your home, food, creations. But your inner spirit just radiates when you have that camera in your hands. And I'm sorry I kept you away from hubby so long. You two are wonderful together; the only two married people I've ever known that are still dating. LOVE YOU BETH!

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  2. It is a good thing to listen to you true self and know what is good for you and when to let something go. Big sigh, huh. I am glad for your wisdom concerning your talent with the camera. Hugs.

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  3. i think part of being an artist is being open to continually 'reinventing'yourself - discovering, exploring, challenging, and reinventing...and it is clear you are a gifted artist with a beautiful eye. some mediums along our path may just accompany us for part of the journey but then there are others (like your photography) who will clearly guide your way. and as long as we are open to any and all of it...we grow. paints or none, you are a talented artist! xx s

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  4. that step forward and realization are so beautiful and liberating.

    (hugs)

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  5. sometimes these discoveries can be so liberating, especially when we finally realize it's OK if we don't necessarily mesh with every form of creativity like we think we should. YOU are a very talented artist.

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  6. Oh yes! I can so relate. I try other things and have all my life, but there are certain things that I come back to time after time. What a production weekend you had learning what makes your heart sing and grasping it with all your passion.

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  7. that sounds like the peace train to me...where it takes you will be the journey of your dreams

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  8. I think this is wonderful Beth, you know where your heart and soul are. You are so talented. Have a seat on that train.

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  9. That sounds like a good sound decision. I am having that push pull with stamping and stitching. Right now it is the stitching that has my heart.

    I am so glad that you were able to experience all of this and that you now feel on the right train. Your photography is stunning and gorgeous.

    love you
    laura

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  10. i think you and i must have been separated at birth or something. i majored in art and took all the drawing, painting, pottery and whatever other classes that were required but they never felt like natural fits to me. my parents always told me that was my talent, so that's what i did. it was not until later in life that i realized my real artistic abilities were not in the form of drawing and painting, but in areas such as design and decorating and now at 54 years of age, i'm just realizing that photography is a wonderful fit as well. when i go out on a date with my nikon it's like nothing else exists. i can totally relate with you, girlfriend! i just need to catch up with you! :-)

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  11. Oh, what a beautiful post, Beth. And that photo as well. Dreamy.
    I'm so glad you've caught the train and have finally moved out of the station.

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  12. it can be a very freeing experience ..


    "letting my shoulders gracefully fall back to the natural state where they belong"


    we can do that as we have nothing to "prove " to anyone...i am alongside you in this realization Beth

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  13. Aristotle said "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom"...Looks like you are getting wiser and wiser:)

    Me?...I'm almost 60 and still looking....

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  14. That was wonderful and beautiful and I am going through so many of those same feelings these days, and some of them in reverse. But clearly you are on the right track (pun slightly intended), you have a true gift for photography and it is so obvious to the viewer that your heart is happy, your sunshine always shine through in your pictures. And we always enjoy basking in their warmth...

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  15. To grow and appreciate the process is a wonderful gift. It is a good thing to take the time to be with yourself and find that which makes your heart sing. Sounds like you have and I celebrate with you your new found joy!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  16. To finally accept and yield to a passion - no matter what your age - is significant. Lucky you to have made this discovery - I wish you and your camera a long and satisfying relationship, Beth.

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  17. recently, I purged EVERYTHING in my studio except my little bottles of acrylic paints, my colorful India Inks, and my huge storage container of markers of all sorts. No brads, no ephemera, no ribbon, no eyelets, no die cuts, and about 40 rubber stamps remaining out of a collection that numbered into the 500 or 600's. Everything found a happy home elsewhere, either via sale or donation, and now I CAN BREATHE.

    so I know what you're saying. For you, it's the capture with the lens. For me, it's the capture with the pens. Woot! (that even rhymes).

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  18. "Do what you love." You have found what you love. How wonderful for you to have found just the vehicle you need to take you on your journey. And how brave of you to have kept on looking and trying until you found it ! You inspire in sooooo many ways, Beautiful Beth !
    Big bold love you you, Conductor Lady ! Choo-choo !

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  19. Hmmm.. maybe those paints want to come live a few miles away from you @ 1724 Waldorf now that I'll have an entire room for them to live! A realization that obviously feels good to you which is most important...life's to short to be doing things that just "don't fit" .... xo

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  20. Stay true to your passion for your creative joy. I have tried many other art forms but My doodles are my passion and my fit. I would not know that if I had not tried other art forms.

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  21. passion, acceptance, creativity... go girl.

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  22. Hello! Glad I found you. I have often wondered if I could paint or draw... Maybe someday I will find out.
    Best,
    Colleen

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  23. What a fabulous and INSPIRING post...you have made me think about many things that are easy (why?) to ignore...

    I really appreciate your eloquence. And I really appreciate your bravery to do this publicly.

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  24. Oh I so get this. I have tried many different creative outlets only to end up feeling inadequate and empty. But when I grab my camera (aka...my lover) time stops...everything melts away...and I feel complete. Isn't that just the best?

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  25. You can always take a quick photo of other people's art... then go outside and have the benefit of enjoying fresh air while making your memories & memory card full... Brave decision, Beth.

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  26. Beth~ First...be still my heart- for the photos...I am still in that love affair with the art supplies.... Good for you for recognizing and making that decision. It's hard to put all of your heart and soul into something that just isn't working... I know about that. Thanks also for the kind comment on my poem. I will be fine. Have a wonderful day~

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  27. You simply blossom when you have a camera in your hands - I saw it with my very own eyes!!!
    That being said, I think you are way too hard on yourself (re: your mixed media & painting) but hey, if you are brilliant at sumpin else (which you are) I say go for it!!!
    It was terrific to see you and thanks so much for taking my class.
    xoxo

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  28. i absolutely love this

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  29. Ah, but you tried it and it was fun while it lasted, right?

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  30. get on the train and goooooooooo. whheeeeee... and remember one of your other gifts, besides photography is poetry, my dear.

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  31. Bravo! To discover that you have been on the right path all along; to know what you love and what doesn't love you -- oh! The joy of discovery and the beauty of that. Splendid post!

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  32. I think you are the train's conductor! You certainly are one of the very, very best! Love, Janine XO

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  33. I love the metaphor Beth.... well said and well lived. xoxo

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  34. what a wonderful time I see you had....and I totally understand the comfort zone of being behind the camera! CLICK ON SISTA!

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  35. you are brave and wise.
    i love this thinking, this leap...

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  36. with that camera you show us the stunning things this world has to offer. please continue to click away because my eyes enjoy soaking in all that you see.

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**I love reading the comments you leave, as they make me feel like we're sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea, discussing life and wondering where all the time has gone ...beth